COMIC: The Power of Choice
It’s a strange comfort to know that, in certain sectors of our lives, we have absolute control. You can’t always determine where you end up working, living, what car you drive, or even who are you as a person (to a certain extent) – - but you do have control over who your friends are and who you are with in a romantic relationship. I used to get so mad at some of my friends who were in terrible relationships and decided to endure neglect, brow-beating, abuse of all kinds, and now I just don’t even bother. They are the ones who, ultimately, chose to remain with that person, and after many years of trying to play “Knight is Shining Armor”, I’ve come to realize that some people, no matter how much they complain about their signifigant other, who willingly choose to keep abusive people in their lives, suffer from one or both of the following maladies:
1) They can’t or won’t face their own issues. There are many reasons for that, but often times, its easier for them to focus on the negative things that their partner is doing rather than facing their own turmoils. For them, being with a healthy, supportive, and honest person is scary and hard for them because they are more or less left with only their own issues to deal with.
2) They have had a series of abusive relationships and/or bad familial experiences growing up, both of which have eroded their self image and they truly believe that they are not worthy of a good partner. This reason is really heartbreaking to me, because I’ve met some amazing people who deserve to be happy, yet still put up with an abusive partner or continually seek out bad relationships.
Another horrible aspect to dating “broken” people is that they have so much baggage they won’t let go and are so afraid to confronting their own demons, they will sometimes sabotage a perfectly good relationship. I’ve seen this happen, and it has happened to me on more than one occasion – - of course, at the time I didn’t see what was going on, but ironically enough, it was all explained to me by a friend of mine who, despite her being an amazing person, continues to date shitty guys. As you can imagine, it was not an easy conversation.
People are so afraid of being alone that they rush into things without truly seeing the realities of the person they’re with, themselves, and the situation. I’m guilty of that, myself. However, being single can be pretty awesome; sure it gets lonely and microwaving a “dinner for one” makes you feel like the biggest loser in the world, but being single allows you the time (if you take the effort) to drop some of those bags, slay some demons, be honest with yourself and move on with your life. Wouldn’t you want to be the best person you could be when you meet that special someone? It bothers me how many people wouldn’t say “yes” to that question.
I dated a girl for little over a year until her temper finally drove us apart. We ended amicably, and one of the last things I begged her to do was to NOT jump into the next relationship, but instead take some time to figure herself out and work on that temper. Guess what she did? A year or so later, she broke up with her new dude. I hope she found happiness, but part of me thinks that she is out there, somewhere, repeating her same mistakes.
Of course, if after being honest with yourself, you discover that you are indeed a scumbag, do everyone a favor and don’t hide it. If some idiot chooses to be with you, that one is one them.
If you feel so inclined, leave a story about either something you or someone you know who got into a shitty relationship OR is currently in one. If you are in a crap relationship, why do you stay? Am I way off? Leave your stories below in the comments.
I volunteered in a women’s shelter in a past life and was stunned by how impossible society often makes it to leave an abusive partner. I met women who were kind and smart and loved their children but had been kept captive at home and had very little in the way of education and job skills. They did the math and every equation was against them. I struggle with ambivalence when it comes to the question of who is at fault. I don’t want to blame the victim, but so much must ultimately come down to personal responsibility. No easy answers I’m afraid, but I’m glad you’re asking the questions…
Domestic abuse situations are hard for me to swallow, and I understand how children (not blaming them) can make leaving even more difficult. What were some of the recurring issues that these women faced that kept them in an abusive household?
- Abuser has financial control over victim (another form of control that often goes hand in hand with physical violence) that makes it impossible to leave (Portland domestic violence shelters currently have a waiting list), so alternative housing is not easy to come by
- Victim is scared they will be hurt or killed if they leave, or that their children will be hurt, killed, or taken away from them
- No access to a viable support system, particularly for victims who do not speak English
- A lack of understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship and a belief that this is what they deserve, or is “just how relationships are”
- No support from family, society, law enforcement, cultural or religious community, etc. This can reinforce belief that the victim is stuck in an abusive situation, or needs to just “be quiet” about their abuse
Those are real issues that I completely understand and wish never happened to anyone; I should’ve illustrated more clearly what I meant – - men and women who habitually seek out bad people to be in relationships in the first place. Barring certain cultural practices, financial woes, children, and lack of support from family, some people continually look for crappy people to be with, and I’m trying to understand why.
In the last six months, I’ve spoken to two women who said “Yeah my ex wants to get back together but he was really abusive so there is no way I’m going to do it– it’s just weird, you know?”
This was followed by them getting back together with them.